It's been one year...

Frank C. Van Meter - The Man, The Myth, The Legend

It's been one year and I miss him more today than I did then...nothing makes this easier.  Grief just gets different...it does not get better.  I have so many thoughts and feelings that I'd love to organize and share but life doesn't give me much space for that...I'm stealing these minutes right now to even attempt to honor his memory today by saying that I miss him.  Pray for me today...today like every day I don't want my daddy to be dead.  

Caleb and Grandpa Frank on his first camping trip and my dad's last

My favorite family pic taken in Hawaii in '96

Below is what I read at his funeral services...

I’ve spent the past week trapped between horrifying moments of intense grief and moments of complete numbness where the details and decisions overwhelming have left me unable to grasp this new and devastating reality – a life without my daddy.

I keep searching desperately for the words to say today that will show you how much my daddy means to me, how much I respect him and how much I love him.

Despite a distant season of our relationship in my younger years, my daddy and I  were blessed to shared an incredible and life changing love.  Some of the very best moments of my life were because of him.  My daddy showed me the world and I was forever changed by those experiences, his passion for life and the world around him was so inspiring and beautiful…eat, drink and be merry was his way and I am a better person because of it.  I am so grateful for every one of the moments we have shared together, both the good and the bad. 

As I became an adult he shared more and more with me about how much he struggled with anxiety and depression.  He fought so hard against the struggles inside of himself, it took great strength and courage for him to battle these things every day of his life.  I am grateful that even today I have no regrets, nothing that makes me ask what if…because I know I did all I could for him.  I listened and encouraged and spoke truth to him every opportunity I could, I know he knew how much I loved and supported him. 

I’m sure there will come a time when I struggle more with why wasn’t my love and support enough to carry him through that awful moment, but I know that the love between two people can never be strong enough, it was not possible. 

Dad in 2006 at the Cemetery where he is now...
with a headstone that says
The Man, the Myth, the Legend

But I pray that the seasons of life where I knew my father shared my faith in God and Jesus as my savior was the true heart of him and that even despite the tragic consequence of his battle with anxiety and depression that my daddy let God be enough in the end, in his heart even if not in his mind and body. 

The last times I saw my father were before and after his trip over the holidays with Amanda to Europe, when they came and stayed before their trip I told him I was pregnant with his second grandchild…he was so happy to hear the news and told me with a hug how all this me having baby stuff warmed his heart and how proud he was of me.  He was an amazing grandpa to my son Caleb despite swearing no one would EVER call him grandpa…and I was proud of him and how good he was as a grandpa. 

I want you all to know that my daddy was an incredible, amazing man – not perfect by any means, but real and wonderful in a way that I will never know again and I am grateful to God for every moment I shared with him. 

I will always love my daddy.  

Merry Christmas/Happy Valentine's Day!

I was so bummed when Christmas came and went for the second year in a row and I just didn't get it together to send out Christmas cards...so I gave myself an extension and am now sending out (albeit most likely late to arrive) Valentine's day cards!  There have been so many, many huge moments in our life these last two years - far more than I could ever hope to include in one letter!  So I'll just do my best to sum up how these last two years have changed us and grown us in so many ways...

Best and biggest change of course is the 4th member of our family, our precious little girl - Sophia Clair!  Born after 24 hours of crazy hard labor, my not so little 9 pld girl healed many wounds in my mommy heart when she was delivered naturally with a successful vbac.  Sophie is a gift to our family in so many ways and we are so grateful that she is here with us now...there are many moments when the challenges of being a mommy of two makes me feel like a crazy wreck but we could not imagine life without her and are so excited to see all the ways she will continue to bring us joy.  She's such a sweet and strong little soul...she's been through so much with her mama...even before she was born comforting and encouraging me through the darkest season of my life to sticking it out with me during our long labor and blessing me with that redemptive gift of childbirth.  We are madly in love with her...what a girl!

So now that I'm all teared up thinking about our girl - let me brag a little about our boy!  Caleb will be 3 this next month and is growing up into such an awesome little man (as his shirt so correctly says!) His grand entrance into our lives 3 years ago taught us in the most tangible way that God is with us (Immanuel) and with all of the many ways we are still seeing that through our son I am so grateful that God chooses to grow us as we parent this beautiful boy.  As I mentioned before...being a mommy of two is - challenging, to say the least!  I'm struggling to stay sane most times and have found that repeating the fruit of spirit scripture (Galatians 5:22) can be helpful to focus me and calm me down - I like to think of it as my mommy mantra!  Caleb can also recite the fruit of the spirit scripture now (I'm not sure if that's good or bad - it's a dead give away that I'm loosing it A LOT!) and is quick to point to the printed versions around the house when mommy starts to get crazy...it's too funny!  He'll look at me all serious like and say "mama - do the self-control thing"!  He's just way too smart...there are so many times where we just look at each other and think - how did he figure that out???  He's a beautiful, smart and discerning kid...I'm praying that he continues to grow in that gift of sensitivity and wisdom and that God will equip us to help him grow into the amazing man I know he will be as he grows. 

Jake's turn!  My husband amazes me...we were so young and clueless when we got married 10 years ago (can you believe it's been 10 years?!) and I am very grateful to God for our marriage and all the ways it is maturing and growing as we keep walking together.  Jake is an amazing provider for his family...I never could have stuck it out as long as he did to reach the goal...after 5 Years of school, 2 years of work experience, 18 months of studying, and 16 hours of exams he finally has his CPA license!  And now we are smack in the middle of busy tax season at work and he is regularly working 12 hour days- 6 days a week.  It's very hard to have him gone so much and we will be very happy to see April 15th...but it is a really awesome thing to have a husband willing to work so hard to be sure we have the things we need...and our kids are crazy lucky to have him for a dad.  After working 12 hours he still comes home and finds the energy to wrestle and chase and love on Caleb and Sophie and then be involved in all the many steps to our bed time routine.  We are blessed...

The last two years have been so wonderful, and so terrible for me...as many of you know I lost my daddy almost exactly one year ago.  Valentine's day was actually the last time I talked to my dad.  I called him in tears after a very difficult nap time battle with Caleb...4 months pregnant and exhausted.  He said all the right things, like only he could, to talk me out of my crazy...it was the sweetest conversation and I am so grateful for it.  Five days later my daddy took his own life and the world will never be the same for me.   Loss like this has taught me much...until this experience my faith had not been so tested...and I am grateful that it has proven true - even in my darkest moments of horror and grief I am confident of God's goodness and love - He is Love.

So many more changes in the last two years...we moved to a new neighborhood and love it here - our old house officially foreclosed just a couple of months ago...you win some, you loose some.  We now drive a mini-van, yeah - we're cool!  We had an amazing snowy vacation to Arizona in December to see my little sister graduate from college - really good time with Anna and Josh and their family and friends.  We have finally settled in to a true church family again at Imago Dei and are especially grateful for our Home Community family there.  Had a pretty intense spiritual revival after reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan - very convicting - please read if you haven't already!  And I'm sure there's more I would have meant to share with all of you very special family and friends but all that really matters is that you know you are loved - by us and by God.  You are so loved...

     "When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."                                                  Ephesians 3:14-19