Below is the birth story that I've written up to share with friends and family as we get ready to celebrate the gift of our second baby due late July...
Emmanuel - God with us
Most of you already know that Caleb's birth was difficult and left
me grieving and wounded in many different ways.
Ultimately of course it resulted in my beautiful and precious son and
for that I am eternally grateful...but over time I've also come to realize the
experience itself also blessed me in other ways. I want to share with you the details of my
labor and birth and where I am now as I continue processing those moments and
memories that brought Caleb into the world - what I see now as gifts and what I
am struggling with as I prepare for the unknowns of labor and birth again.
Caleb was due to enter the world on
March 2nd - his birthday is March 17th...15 days later! The first of many very normal but frustrating
challenges in our birth story. For the first
few days we weren't concerned because Jake was deep in the middle of finishing
up a huge project for his senior year in college and was glad for the extra
time...then once he was done with that we were hoping Caleb would come before
finals so we got more serious about things like acupuncture and chiropractic
work to encourage a natural induction of labor.
At 9 days past due I had my first experience with strong, consistent
contractions...all day long - but by night they were 15 minutes apart...not
very effective to say the least! Two
days later late Saturday night, after taking some homeopathic remedies known to
naturally induce labor, they were back
and they were strong...it was that night that I remember vividly my first
"back labor" contraction...coming in from a walk to encourage the
contractions it hit me and I was so disoriented by the intensity of the pain I
could barely breath. After that it
seemed that we were having a baby! My
midwife came to the house around 2 am and agreed that yes this was the real
thing...we called my dad in Gold
Beach
experience of
labor starting and stopping multiple times knows that resting and waiting are
not really easy things to do in this situation...by this point we were already
exhausted and really ready for this to just happen...we were also heading into
Jake's finals week!
So we tried to rest through Sunday and
Monday...Jake studied...I laid down when I could and walked the neighborhood
when I couldn't stand it listening to my labor playlist on repeat praying that
our baby would come soon. We went for
more acupuncture and to see the midwives and just kept hoping and praying. When we did get to bed Monday...it was only a
few hours later that I woke up to a very painful "popping"
sensation...my water had broke...well technically it had sprung a leak...and
spotting had begun. So things started up
strong as ever again and we settled in to get through each contraction and finally
have our baby. Then around mid-morning
on Tuesday my grandma came to the house
(we had asked that we be left alone during labor and the plan was to have my
parents and grandma there when the baby was born at the birth center)...she was
none to happy that we had let things go this long and told Jake very clearly
how unhappy she was. And even though I
wouldn't have believed it could happen, that feeling of safety we had created
disappeared when she came and labor stopped completely...I was devastated.
After a few more unnerving calls from
well meaning family and friends I was a wreck...I called the birth center
sobbing and they had me come down and see a midwife who was in to check the
baby's stress levels and just encourage me that everything was ok still (we had
already had an ultrasound the Friday before to make sure things were ok since
we were past due)...the time at the birth center was good and calming...they
let me rest in one of the birth rooms and called my family to reassure them
that the baby and I were both fine...they called in a student doula to be with
me and Jake left to study for a final he needed to be at in a few hours. I had one last appointment with the
chiropractor and then the doula drove me back to our house. Something about that opportunity to feel
refreshed and supported and the appt with the chiropractor really set things in
motion...now we were really in labor.
And here I found myself with a woman I had only met an hour before wandering
around my house desperate to find a position that I could comfortably labor
in. We had planned to use the Bradley
method of childbirth which coaches a woman in labor to "imitate
sleep" while laboring...it looks amazing...you get all set up in this
really comfortable side lying position and mentally focus on relaxing each part
of your body and then just breath through the contractions with your eyes
closed as if you are asleep. That didn't
work out so well for me...the first contraction that hit while I tried to
imitate sleep sent me leaping from the bed and running from the
contraction...apparently this technique is not well suited for back
labor...anyways after a few hours of steady, strong and consistent contractions
that were lasting a long time and coming close together we called the midwives...they
told us to call back when Jake got home from his final and they would send
someone back if things continued looking good. The moment Jake walked in the
door I begged him to call them and they sent someone over to check me (on a
side note Jake aced the final he took that evening...my husband is a rockstar!)
When the midwife came to the house around 8:00 that night she decided it was
time for me to head to the birth center...but my Midwives were all at another
birth and had been for over a day...so they arranged for another midwife to
meet us at the birth center. I was so
happy to finally be heading to a place with a tub big enough to completely
submerge in...water was the only relief I found in labor...that and intense
strong counter pressure on my lower back...my back was blistered and bruised
after all the pushing I asked Jake to do during labor. So we got there and settled in to get this
baby out...things seemed to be going great...Jake and I did great together and
labor continued to progress...everything looked good.
Sometime early in the morning my
midwives came and took over...I had been at 8 centimeters for quite a while and
continued to be through the morning so they called for the acupuncturist to
come and the chiropractor...around 11 I think the acupuncturist came and worked
on me and it was just as he was finishing that they asked me to get out the tub
to check me again...at that point they noticed the meconium in the water and
while they were checking me Caleb's heart rate dropped dramatically. They quickly put oxygen on me and my midwife
made the call that this situation was serious enough to call an ambulance...I'm
grateful she made the call but I was also devastated that my attempt to have a
normal out of hospital birth was gone...only 1% of out of hospital births
transfer by ambulance...usually things are much less dramatic but of course
because I had so little support for our decision to birth this way...I was the
1% to use the ambulance. The ride was
awful...laying down was the absolutely most awful position to be in during
labor....so painful for me. Caleb's
heart rate picked up on the ride and was looking good again when we got to Emmanuel Hospital
As soon as the epidural was in and I
laid down the nurse and midwife started to get concerned about Caleb's heart
rate again and told us they needed to insert a monitor into his scalp to get a
better read on his heart rate...we were terrified but let them do it...and it
was then that they said his heart rate was at 40...an OB rushed in and the anesthesiologist
followed...they pumped me full of so many drugs for the emergency c-section
that I couldn't feel my face for hours...nor could I hold my baby...that is one
of my greatest wounds...I so desperately wanted to touch him. It was 4 minutes from the time they read his
heart rate at 40 to the time he was born...the scariest 4 minutes of my
life...I was screaming and begging Jake to pray as we were rushed down the
hall...and as he prayed I realized in that moment that God was there with
us...that for all the distractions in this world and our lives that in this
very real moment of my life, striped of all false comforts that I knew beyond a
shadow of a doubt that God is Emmanuel...God with us. It is that I am so grateful for as I look
back on Caleb's birth...I would never have asked to be put in that situation
but I am so grateful that I had that opportunity to see so clearly my need for
God and his love and provision for me.
The c-section went well...Caleb came
out at just before 5pm a healthy 9plds 9oz screaming loud and clear and we had
the amazing privilege of finding out he was a boy...Jake announced "it's a
boy!" It was a bright and beautiful moment in the middle of all that
chaos...immediately Jake went to Caleb and started cuddling and touching
him...he didn't leave his side...I am so grateful that he understood the
importance of our baby's first moments and that he took such good care of
him...he is a wonderful daddy. I passed
out in the process of being sewn up and didn't wake till we were back in the
room...sometime shortly after my dad came and was the first person besides Jake
to hold him - I so wish he would be here to hold this baby and I will for sure
be thinking of that gaping hole in my heart when this baby has no grandpa Frank
to hold it. When my mom and grandma
showed up it was an emotional time...they were very upset by everything and it
was a tough time for us, but it was my mom who finally got my baby in my
arms...I didn't let go till sometime in the middle of the night.
We spent the next 5 days in the
hospital...fighting and struggling to get breastfeeding started and trying to
sort out why things had gone the way they had...a couple of
"possible" explanations were primarily that Caleb was in the
posterior position (meaning his back was to my back) and that created the back
labor and made it more difficult for him to descend...he also was a pretty big
guy...and the cord was wrapped around his neck - which is the best explanation
for why his heart rate dropped so dramatically and quickly when I got the
epidural...after so many hours of tension and pain when my body relaxed and my
blood pressure dropped quickly - he most likely quickly dropped and the cord
tightened around his neck and he was also affected by my drop in heart rate and
blood pressure.
So with the hospital threatening to put
me through every possible test they could during our stay...my heart rate was
high and had been my whole pregnancy but they were very concerned there was
more to it and put me through every test they could imagine...it was an awful 5
days in the hospital. They also thought
Caleb had an infection and breathing issues so they had him on IV
antibiotics...it was just a mess. When
we finally left I had a full on anxiety/panic attack on the way home and had to
call a friend from work to come to the house that night because I was sure we
were going to screw something up with our precious baby. Obviously he made it through that first night
home with us and every other night since then.
I would relive every single, excruciating moment of this experience to
have my Caleb...I am shocked and amazed at the gift of this child and am more
than willing to see what this little one has in store for it's birth story.
All that said our hope and prayer is to
have a successful, natural, unmedicated birth with this second baby. We have chosen to be at OHSU with their
midwife team and are hopeful that their high success rate with VBAC's and drug
free births will help us see that become a reality. We've also chosen to have a doula with us
during labor and are grateful to have found someone with 12 years of experience
who also attends church with us. You can
pray specifically that the baby will not be posterior and that hopefully labor
is much quicker than before. You can
also pray that the nurses and midwives who are with us during labor are
supportive of our choices and encourage us to have a drug/intervention free
labor. But please also pray that I will
have peace and confidence in my body's ability to birth this child and that no
matter how this baby enters the world it will be just as healthy and beautiful
as Caleb.
Thank you for taking the time to listen
to my story and to hear my heart's desire to give thanks and gratitude to our
God for every good gift, even those that come through great challenge and
difficulty. I was blessed and changed by
this experience not only because of the amazing gift of a son but also for the indescribable
gift of having my eyes opened to the reality and nearness of my savior...He is
so good...all the time God is good!
Love,
Laura
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