It's been one year...

Frank C. Van Meter - The Man, The Myth, The Legend

It's been one year and I miss him more today than I did then...nothing makes this easier.  Grief just gets different...it does not get better.  I have so many thoughts and feelings that I'd love to organize and share but life doesn't give me much space for that...I'm stealing these minutes right now to even attempt to honor his memory today by saying that I miss him.  Pray for me today...today like every day I don't want my daddy to be dead.  

Caleb and Grandpa Frank on his first camping trip and my dad's last

My favorite family pic taken in Hawaii in '96

Below is what I read at his funeral services...

I’ve spent the past week trapped between horrifying moments of intense grief and moments of complete numbness where the details and decisions overwhelming have left me unable to grasp this new and devastating reality – a life without my daddy.

I keep searching desperately for the words to say today that will show you how much my daddy means to me, how much I respect him and how much I love him.

Despite a distant season of our relationship in my younger years, my daddy and I  were blessed to shared an incredible and life changing love.  Some of the very best moments of my life were because of him.  My daddy showed me the world and I was forever changed by those experiences, his passion for life and the world around him was so inspiring and beautiful…eat, drink and be merry was his way and I am a better person because of it.  I am so grateful for every one of the moments we have shared together, both the good and the bad. 

As I became an adult he shared more and more with me about how much he struggled with anxiety and depression.  He fought so hard against the struggles inside of himself, it took great strength and courage for him to battle these things every day of his life.  I am grateful that even today I have no regrets, nothing that makes me ask what if…because I know I did all I could for him.  I listened and encouraged and spoke truth to him every opportunity I could, I know he knew how much I loved and supported him. 

I’m sure there will come a time when I struggle more with why wasn’t my love and support enough to carry him through that awful moment, but I know that the love between two people can never be strong enough, it was not possible. 

Dad in 2006 at the Cemetery where he is now...
with a headstone that says
The Man, the Myth, the Legend

But I pray that the seasons of life where I knew my father shared my faith in God and Jesus as my savior was the true heart of him and that even despite the tragic consequence of his battle with anxiety and depression that my daddy let God be enough in the end, in his heart even if not in his mind and body. 

The last times I saw my father were before and after his trip over the holidays with Amanda to Europe, when they came and stayed before their trip I told him I was pregnant with his second grandchild…he was so happy to hear the news and told me with a hug how all this me having baby stuff warmed his heart and how proud he was of me.  He was an amazing grandpa to my son Caleb despite swearing no one would EVER call him grandpa…and I was proud of him and how good he was as a grandpa. 

I want you all to know that my daddy was an incredible, amazing man – not perfect by any means, but real and wonderful in a way that I will never know again and I am grateful to God for every moment I shared with him. 

I will always love my daddy.